Welcome to the Jungle

(Episode 2 of “With love, Meghan” - Welcome to the Party)

I know all these episodes are streaming now, and apparently Season 2 has been approved (I don’t remember where I heard that so don’t quote me), so I’d better get to it.

Mindy Kaling is going to be in this episode, and I kind of wonder why she agreed to it. Her basketball show “Running Point” was surprisingly pleasant. Are these guests paid? I mean, it’s no big deal for Mindy but Daniel the MUA needs a bigger kitchen.

Hey, OK now. The show starts with Meghan out in the garden, wearing some pretty cute green overalls, plucking blackberries from a blackberry bush and placing them into a wicker basket. Maybe Meghan’s sense of what is proper comes from watching Jane Austen movies? Where’s the big hat? Maybe in the next episode she’ll get out her pianoforte.

I’m really just writing this to amuse myself, aren’t I.

When I was a kid, when our very sweet neighbors Mickey and Ed went out of town, they would ask me to help out by going into their yard and harvesting their eggplant and berries. I think they also had tomatoes. Anyway, those blackberries were so tasty even though the bushes were covered in ants. I can’t remember if they paid me but I know I ate a lot of blackberries, n ants, and 0 eggplant.

Later when I was older, I taught myself how to smoke cigarettes behind their garage.

Oh it’s an apron not overalls. Never mind. I’m mildly disappointed.

Some voice from somewhere speaks to her, and that’s weird. Who is this guy? Later he comments about her preparation for Mindy as if he has somehow contributed to it. I think they thought this was fun and unexpected. Maybe it is.

Maybe it isn’t.

Meghan announces that her buddy Mindy is coming over, and we are now in another/someone else’s kitchen, which is super beige but looks expensive. I wish they had soapstone counters. They’re so pretty but I wonder how they stand up to use. Meghan offers another stranger off screen some coffee, and announces that she’s going to make a frittata to feed Mindy Kaling, using 8 to 12 (exact number to remain a mystery) eggs.

I kind of feel bad pointing out all the weird things I think she’s doing, but I feel like someone else on her team should’ve maybe asked themselves, “Who says ‘creamer milk’?”

She’s making French press coffee, which is how I make my coffee. I like just plain old half & half and a bit of sugar in my coffee, though, and please don’t bother pouring it into an old timey milk bottle; the little carton is fine. Thanks!

“My bacon brings all the boys to the yard. Love, Meghan”

I wonder if Meghan is charming in real life? I bet she is. Next season I suggest hiring some writers.

The frittata looks great but this seems like a lot of eggs for 2 people.

It’s parfait part-ay time!

Seriously: writers.

Mindy arrives.

Mindy and Meghan’s interactions convince me of just how awkward Meghan is. Mindy tells a story about receiving the 50th jar of preserves and considers out loud what significance that number holds in regard to her ranking among the important people in Meghan’s life. She even does a bit of internet stalking.

Meghan tells Mindy that she made 50 jars of preserves (“So I saved one out of fifty for my mom…”) so now Mindy knows: she got the last jar. There are 49 people ahead of her. Meghan could have made this funny but she’s so earnest. If any of this was actually real, I would’ve been offended.

Maybe they should hire Mindy to write the show.

She’s making Mindy eat standing up.

Meghan sets the agenda of the fake kids’ party (so that Mindy can fire her event coordinator) and one of the things they’re going to make is mint tea.

I guess kids in Montecito drink mint tea.

So: full confession: when my son turned 6 we had a huge party for him. I am not a party person, so planning this party took considerable effort on my part. We invited his whole class, and I hired a lego guy, and we had chicken wings, pizza, awesome salads from Lazy Acres, rented tables and chairs, a pop up canopy, and I will admit: it was a little bougie. I definitely had the same try-hard energy as Meghan.

Now Meghan has moved on to balloon arch time, and she shows a little clip of herself making one in the past. Harry’s voice makes an appearance. She’s holding like 4 balloons in her hand and when she tells him what she’s making, he says “Doesn’t look like much of an arch.” Maybe he didn’t mean to sound like a dick but my own experiences with this kind of comment makes me wince a little. It’s not done, sir, she has a lot more arch to make. Cool it, Henry.

Mindy and Meghan banter back in the kitchen but I cannot be bothered to comment on it and then they start making finger sandwiches for the fake kids.

The notorious Markle v. Sussex incident occurs at around minute 16, and, you know guys, I don’t know. I think all it does is show that Mindy is trying to relate to Meghan and Meghan doesn’t know how to do that. I think… I would’ve probably said something, too, even though it would come off as showing off. Maybe I would’ve said something off camera. So is that what this show is? A platform to remind us of who she is? Mindy goes with the flow but Meghan can’t really hang.

THE PRETTY BLUE AND WHITE PLATES ARE OUT AGAIN.

The “sweet little sandwich starters” aren’t all that impressive but whatever.

Meghan includes something in the guest bags called “manuka honey.”

OK, break time, because I need to know about manuka honey.

After a five minute Google dive I have learned that Manuka Honey comes from a specific place (New Zealand or Australia) and it has the name Manuka because that’s the name of the, native-to-New-Zealand-and-Australia, bush that the bees who create the honey pollinate.

After episode 1’s introduction to Meghan as some kind of honey maven, why the hell would she import honey from NZ or Australia? Couldn’t she make honey sticks at home out of her own local honey, pollinated by her own local bees?

This is not a scandal or controversy but it seems like a glitch in the thinking behind what’s being presented here. Meghan! Make your own goddamn honey sticks.

The bread she’s using to make crostini looks so good! And of the two times she’s mentioned it, once it was chevre and once it was goat cheese. I’m not keeping track, I just noticed it. I swear.

While explaining to Mindy why the being out in the garden and making pretty scenes in chevre is so important to her, she mentions her science teacher Mr. Ben. But Mr. Ben has died. This part was supposed to show her feeling something, I guess. I’m sorry, Mr. Ben. You deserved better.

Maybe Meghan can ask Josh to write a memo asking the President to issue a proclamation that it’s Mr. Ben Week? Day? (Shout out to my West Wing fans! Ha, as if anyone is reading this.)

Personally I would prefer tomatoes and basil on my crostini, thanks. No need to paint me a picture.

See, look. All of this seems so completely unnecessary.. You already have beautiful food. Is it not wiser to spend time coming up with ideas for what to top the crostini with than arranging little precious flower petals on them?

Each thing they’ve done today has been both basic, and painfully extra.

“Basic But Extra” is going to be the name of my band.

I mean, the petals are pretty! Mindy’s butterfly is adorable.

But I’m pretty sure that no one needs a lady bug/lady bird crostini. NO ONE NEEDS A LADY BUG/LADY BIRD CROSTINI.

Is the plural of crostini, crostini? Lego, Lego, sheep, sheep.

Are rainbows specific to gardens? I’ve seen rainbows in downtown LA parking lots.

12 more minutes.

Meghan’s list of things to think about when planning a kid's party sounds suspiciously like that “5 Things” exercise you’re supposed to do when you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Michael cuts in to comment on the birds in the yard and Meghan states, “I love birdsong.” How funny, I love creamer milk! Why is this random guy talking to her?? Is this meant to loosen her up? It’s not working.

Coffee at a kid’s party is to remind the parents that Meghan is thinking of them, too.

Apparently there’s something wrong with the blueberries? Whatever, it seems like nothing.

Dude, come on. Show me a child who drinks mint tea.

God their little conversations are so tortured.

Meghan and Mindy change into some beautiful floral dresses and pumps and they meet up in the gazebo to party in the garden. Mindy’s dress reminds me of a dress I bought on the street during my one and only trip to France. This is NOT an insult, that dress was nice.

The conversation about how you can do this whole party on a budget and by reusing “things you found on Etsy” is totally ridiculous. Meghan’s tea set is lovely.

I would pay money to see Mindy Kaling make Meghan Sussex a frozen burrito in a microwave.

With love, Irene

(Episode 1 of "With love, Meghan" - Hello Honey)

Hey, so I didn’t plan on watching this show. I’m vaguely, perhaps more than vaguely, interested in the royals: I mean, I read about what Kate wore and when she gets to wear some old tiara or necklace, and I have an opinion on William’s beard and Charles marrying Camilla, and how badly the Duchess of Edinbourough (I’m never gonna learn how to spell it) dresses (she’s getting better)… but I don’t know, I’ve watched a lot of “lifestyle” shows in my time, from Martha Gardens and Martha Bakes and Martha’s Cooking School to all the PBS shows and Ina Garten and this one show I found on NHK where this British (?) woman visited all these artisans in their tiny villages all over Japan: it was so good, but I’ve never found it again… so I was thinking, eh, I don’t need another show like that. But this one’s a novelty because it’s Meghan and presumably a little Harry, and that seems kind of fun, no? I think they’ve done some good stuff, some stupid stuff, and some really stupid stuff but since none of it affected me personally, I don’t dislike them. I do not have hate in my heart for Meghan Markle. Oh, and I LOVED that white dress she wore when she and Queen Elizabeth did some event that involved getting on a train, I think it was Givenchy.

Look, I’d rather watch them on TV than many other people (it’s such a long list but includes the usual suspects), so I thought I’d do some blogging and some TV recapping just to get the feel of typing something other than instructions on how to complete all the forms one needs in order to file a workers’ compensation claim again.

So here we go.

Based on the title I bet a million dollars this episode is going to be about bees. And that’s cool, I like bees - only been stung once. Jules has also only been stung once, while we were swimming in our little blow up pool; he was probably 3 or 4. I didn’t realize it was a just bee at first because he was holding his belly and of course my mind went straight to “OH MY GOD HIS APPENDIX IS BURSTING.” It didn’t. I pulled out the stinger, gave him some ice and berries, and we were all fine again. Anyway, we are neither of us allergic to bee stings and so I say hello to the bees who live in the bush next to the driveway, just in case. It never hurts to be polite.

All right let’s get this party started.

It looks like this episode is 41 minutes, and right off the bat that seems… long. Longish.

OK OK, hitting play.

Oh, Meghan has a “bee voice.” How cute. She’s out in the yard with her? hives and a bee handler, and Meghan says, about the bees, “Oh they’re busy. Busy bees!” I think she just coined that phrase, I don’t know, maybe.

The words “good vibes” have been uttered and I’m… not thrilled.

I follow a bee person on Instagram, I can’t remember her name (she just had a baby, I think),

INTERRUPTION FROM THE FUTURE: The person I follow on Instagram is @girlnextdoorhoney! Check her out if you have a bee emergency and, I guess, live in San Diego. She also has a website: girlnextdoorhoney.com!

but she’s the person you call when the bees have decided to make their hive in like, your trash can. She takes great photos and gives good information, and I’ve learned more about bees from her little reels than I have from this show.

They’re opening the hives in slow motion with a Lumineers song (maybe?) providing the right atmosphere. Meghan’s bee dude seems to be giving us rudimentary information about the bees. “They have different roles.” What does that mean? Are they’re in a play?

Meghan gets philosophical about the weight of the honey in the comb and tries to connect it to maintaining good vibes (she doesn’t say “good vibes”) and staying in the moment of moments like this blah blah blah..

The bees are flying around but am I crazy? Are there no shots of bees near Meghan? She’s wearing a bee hood, but, oh whatever, I’ll stop nit picking every three seconds (Note from Irene from the future: I don’t). But seriously, I think they kept her away from actual bees? In a segment about bees that we’ve been lead to believe belong to her?

OK, we’re back inside now, and I think it’s for the best.

Meghan is about to start prepping the guest room for some guy who is coming to stay at “her house.”

I know it’s not her house. I don’t care. It’s a nice house or houses or garden or gardens. Well done, location scout.

Well, I’d love to have a guest room, anyway, and I’m sorry a three-bedroom house wasn’t in our cards. But I just watched, and I cannot tell you why, an Instagram Reel that showed a woman setting up her Airbnb bathroom and filling the bathroom drawers with stuff (lotion, sheet masks and I don’t know what else) and doing that annoying fingernail tapping thing on the boxes (not all ASMR is good ASMR), so I guess this is a thing? It’s annoying as hell, and also! There are better alternatives to sheet masks. I use one from Korea that comes in stick form like deodorant. No links to products for you because Bezos/Amazon. Also I have to find out where to get that mask now, don’t I.

Anyway, yes, guests need clean sheets and a room free of dust and cat hair, and I guess it’s nice to put the litter box someplace else to keep everyone comfortable, but this is OVERBOARD. Like, swim on out of the pool of doing too much, people.

Oh my god, she’s creating “moments” and those moments include "bath salts.” I’m pretty sure I’ve never taken a tub bath at someone else’s home. No, I’m sure. I haven’t.

Meghan’s bath salt concoction includes a sachet of dried flowers. I mean, would I hate seeing this in a guest room? No. But would I make use of it? also no.

I wonder if she’s wearing Princess Diana’s watch.

(That cheesecloth sachet filling the top of the mason jar bath salts looks terrible.)

The hollowed out piece of wood welcome thing looks pretty. I would’ve been happy with just flowers and maybe a book but I’m easy.

Hey! I love the paper bag microwave trick! We don’t have a microwave but I’ve done this at work! You don’t need to use corn on the cob, it works (better, from what I can see) with regular popcorn!

(I’ll spare you commentary on how she decanted some Trader Joe’s peanut butter pretzels from the actual bag they came in into a cellophane or plastic bag, which seems like a downgrade. The bow doesn’t make it better. And why is the bow beige? Is it supposed to be or actually is unbleached linen? If I absolutely had to get the pretzels out of the TJ packaging, I’d put them in a pretty bowl. Maybe reuse one of those little Bonne Maman jam jars. Here’s a tip for Meghan: do less.)

Oh my gosh I AM commenting on the peanut butter pretzel preparation. Peanut allergies are serious business. She should just ASK her guests if they have a peanut allergy or just avoid peanuts all together. There are other snacks. Many. I know.

Like all of us, Meghan thinks it’s cute that cut up veggies are called “crudite.”

Hey, I’m curious about the single skillet spaghetti. I make a lot of spaghetti!

Her pal Daniel is cutting the tomatoes and he says, “we don’t have to be precious, meaning, I guess that he’s not good at cutting tomatoes, and in response to this, Meghan says “We’re precise about this.” I feel like she might not have heard him correctly, because that seems kind of mean. Then he gets cut and yells “MEDIC.” Just kidding. A cool green bandage is applied by Meghan herself. I like it when someone helps with a bandaid. It’s nice.

Daniel compliments “her” kitchen, and it comes out that Daniel lives in an apartment without a counter in the kitchen! I know NY apartments are small and very expensive but she PAYS him to do her makeup and he must have OTHER clients, right? Is a NY apartment with a counter so far outside of the reach of a makeup artist who works with celebrities at Meghan’s level? I need to research this.

We’re 12 minutes in and I’m not buying any of this. Make the dang spaghetti, Meghan.

She’s multitasking! Boil the water while chopping the other ingredients!

Question: does water boil faster in a teapot on the stove than it does in a pan? Or was boiling it this way a way to get away with calling it ONE skillet spaghetti? One skillet and a teapot spaghetti sounds OK to me, in fact, remind me to name my band that.

Meghan makes it a point to tell us that her children do not eat “heaps of noodles” - why the fuck not, Meghan? What are they eating? Beef wellington?

So… a pound of dry spaghetti goes on top of the tomatoes and garlic and whatever else (I was typing) she put in the skillet. And… she hands a guy who cut himself within 30 seconds of having been handed a knife a rasp. (I have a better microplane. Just saying.) I hope this show has insurance. Say goodbye to your knuckles, Daniel.

Meghan makes a statement about citrus. And there’s some sort of special kale being used. It has a name: “lacinate kale.” Sounds fancy, Megs.

I used to make fun of Martha Stewart for describing each and every ingredient she ever used on camera as “the BEST.” I’ll take shit from Martha but hey, marrying a prince does not put you on the same level as Martha Fucking Stewart quite yet.

OK, I paused the show to find out what lacinate kale is and apparently it’s different from other kinds of kale in that it has a different texture, and is slightly sweeter. It’s also called dinosaur kale, which I think would’ve been a better choice in this application.

Meghan is slicing something that she doesn’t want to waste but I missed when she told us or showed us what it is. Did she tell us? It’s red. A stem, maybe? I don’t care enough to go back.

Daniel is putting a ton of zest in that pasta.

So we’ve got out the notorious Le Creuset now, and maybe I’m looking away from the screen more than most people, but I didn’t see an obscene amount of high end cooking vessels. Nobody ever comments on the insane amount of copper pans in Martha’s kitchen. I’ve avoided any show with Sandra Lee, but she’s obviously on a set. Giada De Laurentiis was in a different kitchen every episode, wasn’t she? Making a big deal out of her pans is really silly.

This spaghetti is coming together, and it’s pretty. I do like the kale and arugula in there. I’d eat this. I’d make this, but I’d prefer someone else prepare it, you know what I mean?

Meghan adds red chili flakes and The E Street Band starts playing a jaunty tune.

Watching people eat spaghetti is not my favorite thing to do.

Oh back to the bees! Bee dude tells us that Meghan’s honey is “local tapped honey,” but he doesn’t tell us what that means.

This honey looks dark and lovely.

Meghan has learned to appreciate honey because of the work involved in harvesting it, and that’s admirable, but when Branden Bee Dude refers to it as “high quality,” she absolutely glows. Branden knows what he’s doing. I hope he gets a big Christmas bonus.

Meghan says “sEEve instead of siv. IS THERE NO ONE ON THIS SHOW WHO KNOWS HOW TO PRONOUNCE THE WORD SIEVE?

Branden just told us that burning a beeswax candle “purifies the air.” Yo dude, is that true?? (ChatGPT says it’s a myth.) And then Meghan thinks that burning a beeswax candle will “pollinate the air.” I think there are a lot of facts missing from this bee segment.

Daniel and Meghan make candles out of the beeswax because otherwise why did we go through all that business of looking at bees and learning next to nothing about them? The two of them are awkward as hell; even the conversation feels like they’re strangers who just met on a train. I’m just gonna watch with no commentary. (My husband just handed me some Thin Mints).

Now Meghan is going to make a cake she told Daniel about which she cooked earlier without him but he gets to help decorate it.

There are lots of lemons needed, and the job of zester does not go to Daniel. Well, I stand corrected: Daniel handled a microplane with more skill than Meghan.

Daniel eats jam right out of the jar. When filling the piping bag, Meghan avoids using the word “tip” but calls the decorations they will put on the cake “decor.”

Meghan denies the need to be precious again, but “precious” is exactly how I would define how they have applied the “decor.” I’m not complaining, that cake looks amazing!

They make some pretty tea, and serve up the pretty cake on some pretty blue and white plates that I am about to get obsessed with.

Meghan recaps what we have just done and Daniel thinks that the basket with the snacks is his to take home. Is it??? (is he not spending the night in her real house?)

Montecito looks really beautiful—or wherever they are.

The Old Globe Theater

I read something before I went to bed that had the words “Old Globe Theater” in it so when I woke up I had those words in my head.

In my dream it was nighttime and I was riding a bike up a really steep hill. I was in the highest gear possible so it was relatively easy but I was moving pretty slowly. On the right side of the road was a hamburger stand, and Cindy Williams (Cindy Williams, right? She was Shirley on Laverne and Shirley?) was standing there taking orders, working at the hamburger stand. And I was passing by so slowly she had time to see the look on my face, which was, WTF is Cindy Williams doing working at a hamburger stand? She was laughing about it, and she elbowed the guy standing next to her, like Get a load of this weirdo. That guy was David Spade.

After I made it to the top of the hill, I’m there with my husband, Garry Shandling, which makes sense because I am currently in love with him even though he died 6 or 7 years ago. (Are ANY of the people in this dream currently alive?*) And Garry is telling me that when we have kids, we have to name one of them “Garry,” and one of them “Shirley.” And then he goes, Now let’s go get some hot dogs.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re wondering, I had delicious Chinese food for dinner.

(There was another part of the dream where I was driving my car in the snow, and another part where I was trying to open the garage door but I couldn’t find the right key on this key ring I had, even though it was full of a million keys. But those parts are probably about sex, right?)

*I just want you to know that I wrote this post right after I woke up, at 3:30 a.m., and didn’t check the internet until I woke up for real, around 7:30 a.m. Both Cindy Williams and David Spade are alive and, presumably well, and I apologize for implying otherwise.

Drum Lesson, RDO, The Cops

I think you can pretty much put money on the fact that if I’m writing something here, Jules must be having a drum lesson. What? Because that’s what’s happening now. Last week he had a substitute teacher, but today his usual guy is here, making him count and stuff. I know I get more excited about these lessons than the kid does sometimes, but I see myself in there, one day. He does seem a little tired, so his energy level is pretty low, but his teacher is so peppy and fun, I’m hoping he wakes up a little.

He finished up karate camp last Friday, and since today was my RDO, instead of doing something awesome and fun, I took him with me to my massage appointment and made him wait for me in the lobby. I know! What stories he’s going to have to tell on the comedy circuit someday. I also took him for a Slurpee at 7-Eleven afterward, and then we went home and had grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. THEN I made him watch two episodes of “Classic Albums” on PBS with me - the one on Dark Side of the Moon, and the one on Rumors. The funny thing is, he watched it while also watching anime on his iPad and while wearing headphones! What a multitasker. Later, I cleaned the hall closets and made him listen to Rumors, the Red Album by Weezer, and This Year’s Model by Elvis Costello. As I said elsewhere, I listen to music so loud they can probably hear it in space, so some of that probably sank in. Also, he’s heard all of it before, AND my singing.

I’ve seen both those episodes of “Classic Albums” before, but there’s something so poignant and terrible about John McVie’s sadness when talking about Rumors that I almost can’t stand it. I should probably do some additional reading. I know that was filmed a long time ago but he still seemed so broken by whatever he did and whatever was done to him. And yet the playing he does on those songs is so recognizable and so happy sounding. How did he do that?

I’ve been listening to that album for a long time - as one would have to, as it’s existed a long time - and as I get older, the Christine McVie songs grow on me more and more. I used to get very wrapped up in Stevie’s witchy weirdness, but Christine’s songs and her voice are just as good.

Oh, did I mention that someone called the cops on our flute rehearsal yesterday?

Patty moved a few blocks a few months ago, and one of her neighbors is apparently not a fan. She received an anonymous note, complaining about the music. It sucks, because she’s a flutist, and teaching and playing is her main source of income. Practicing and rehearsals all go with the territory of a professional musician. I’m sorry if this guy disagrees, but I think everyone is entitled to make a living. And you may not have noticed, Cowardly Neighbor, but there aren’t a lot of gigs for professional musicians right now. Anyway, I never saw the note, but I know it wasn’t pleasant. Yesterday, I was told (because my back was to the street; we were playing out in her back yard) that the neighbor suspected of writing the note walked by, and then a few minutes later, the police drove by. They stopped at the corner and sat there, and Patty’s other neighbor (a nice lady named… Irene) asked them what was up. They said they’d been called out because of the music, but they chose not to even talk to us because we weren’t doing anything wrong.

No shit. If playing the flute is illegal then I guess I’m in a gang.